Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
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Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.