Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
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corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same