Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
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“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
thank god
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
He just like my cat fr
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
all that yoga finally paid off
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂