Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
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It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”