Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
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The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.