Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
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Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Coffee for people with no kids
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.