her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
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Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Put this video in the Louvre
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]