her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
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Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Wednesday
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great