Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
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[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
True freaking story!
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.