Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

I enjoy a good short stor

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

Jokes on them. I took 10.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry