HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together