HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
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My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Unexpected Judgment
How to find Kentucky on a map
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.