Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
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My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
This made me smile…
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’