Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
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Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
umm…
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick