@_wangwe

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

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@maryfairybobrry

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

@iAmDelFreaky

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

@Robinbuble

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

@StevieKnip

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

@Jake_Vig

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

@OakHill_

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America