Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
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The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”