@_wangwe
@maryfairybobrry The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
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@maryfairybobrry 
@TheTweetOfGod Thank Satan it’s Monday.
@iAmDelFreaky I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
@Robinbuble Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
@StevieKnip Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
@marcusthetoken I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
@SteveSuckington I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
@Jake_Vig You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
@OakHill_ – grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
@slender_sherbet Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
