@_wangwe

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

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@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

@Gre_Gone

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

@thegallowboob

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

@iscoff

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

@jus4golf

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

@Reverend_Scott

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

@causticbob

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

@MariyaAlexander

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

@noog

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.