The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
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Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
You can call me tonight.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.