Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

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I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)


me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]


hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated


TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times


My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.


[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.


Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.