Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
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Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce