Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
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My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I occasionally drink every single night.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Boating season is upon us.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I feel this so hard
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Good dog. ❤️
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter