Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
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“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!