Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
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The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?