Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
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is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.