HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
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Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out