Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
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you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.