HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
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me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
starting a garage orchestra
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined