@UnFitz

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

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@FloodyHippie

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

@RodLacroix

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

@meganamram

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

@bobvulfov

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

@AmishSuperModel

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

@BuckyIsotope

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

@Carbosly

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

@FeverFlave

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

@QwertyJones3

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey