Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
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“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions