Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

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I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.


The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds


We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet


NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show


My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.


I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.


There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.


*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*


“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey