HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
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[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
2023 was just a warmup
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
They’re stuck in your pants?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.