Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
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Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.