Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
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“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I don鈥檛 know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Me at 17: I鈥檝e had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I鈥檓 just getting started! Can鈥檛 wait until I鈥檓 over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it鈥檚 7pm and I only just got here but I鈥檝e already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It鈥檚 like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Me, at front door: I鈥檓 going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who鈥檚 that?
Me: It鈥檚 me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN鈥橳 HELP
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We鈥檒l come back for these later
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 馃攢 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You鈥檙e not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 馃惔”]
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!