Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
You Might Also Like
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY