@Breadery

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

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@chadopitz

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

@noog

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

@BrogaPants

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

@causticbob

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

@pixelatedboat

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

@whatsJo

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

@Book_Krazy

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

@BitchyBrittyBoo

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..