Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

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ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth


[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.


Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.


My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover


At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.


An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.


Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto


guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video


I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.


Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.