Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

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Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.


I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.


what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”


Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.


It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors


Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.


Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.


I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..