Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
broke down and did it
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish