Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
You Might Also Like
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Good morning, Twitter x
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
my nickname in college
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.