HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
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The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.