Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading