@bacon_gillepic

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

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@Molly_Kats

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

@pro_worrier_

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

@kimtopher22

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

@joelebean

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

@Paxochka

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

@tastefactory

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

@subtweetopath

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

@damagedprincess

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

@longwall26

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”