Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
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Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”