her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
You Might Also Like
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn