HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
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Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.