Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
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If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??