Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
You Might Also Like
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person