her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
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*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Dance like you’re not the father
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
O Wise One….
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse