HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
You Might Also Like
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.