her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

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[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”


When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.


I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.


no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct


My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.


he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?


8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.


Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol