Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh đ
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First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobodyâs watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
When I say âIâm going to bathroom brbâ, my dogs hear âgather up, itâs showtime!â
If Iâm at your house and youâve got a grocery list on the fridge, Iâm adding stuff to it and not telling you
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, heâs probably not a real magician.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Whatâs the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? Iâll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
When she checks her bank statement and go âwhat are these PlayStation Network chargesâ
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. Whatâs the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Iâm going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Wife says I shouldnât look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Canât wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmerâs Market.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Iâve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT