Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
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H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
figuring out my emotional availability:
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.