Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
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I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”