Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
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Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Reporter: *ports again*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Solving a traffic jam