Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
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Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.