Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..
That’s how the fight started
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When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
5: ready..? Start.
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Looking at you, Jesus.