Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

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When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.


Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.


5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.




5: whoever talks first is the loser.


ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough


What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?


When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”


I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.