Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
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My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Facebook memories be like
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle