@lucky_300

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

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@danjan13

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

@Elephart

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

@SwirlySkittles

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

@iinkedZombie

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

@JessObsess

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

@GingerHotDish

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

@ADHDeanASL

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

@broken_rhi

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.