Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
You Might Also Like
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
What about second breakfast?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times