her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
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“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I am never leaving this website
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.