HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
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You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.