HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Chicago sounds lovely.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.