her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
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You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
No Google it does not
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Dead sexy!!
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.