HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
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don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.