HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
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Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”